Real Men Eat Cheesypoofs
by jinkiez
Summary: Cartman is determined to prove that Kyle is anorexic, so he starts spying on him.
1. Chapter 1

My name is Eric Cartman. I'm big boned and curvy, and I refuse to be ashamed of that fact. I am an example of what real men look like. Men who actually eat 3+ meals a day, and don't starve or throw up in the bathroom. Not unlike a certain Jinger Jersey Jew, who has been fat shaming me for years.

Well I'm going to get even with him on this once and for all! He always feels the need to call me fat insults, and I've recently realized why. It's because his perception is extremely warped. He doesn't realize that I'm the healthy looking one, and he is the one who looks like an emaciated twig. It's quite sad. The media has fed him this insane idea that you mustn't have a BMI over 35 to be healthy, and that food should be eaten in moderation to stay fit. That's bull crap! If you feel hungry, it means you need to eat. It's not good to deprive your stomach of what it craves.

For the next week, I'm going to be spying on Kyle's sickening anorexic habits, and keeping a personal journal of my observations.

 _Day 1_

It's morning. We just arrived at school and the cafeteria is open for breakfast until the bell rings. I asked Kyle if he wants to come with me to get waffles or something, and he got very defensive. He insisted that he had already eaten. I'm positive that he's lying, and even if not, what's a few extra waffles? But he declines. Sad. This is what eating disorders do to people.

Later at lunch, I see him eating a chicken sandwich. It's not very big. He could be eating two, but he's just eating one. How depressing. His plate also contains peaches and green beans, a common low calorie choice for anorexics. And what's that he's drinking? Low fat milk. Why not whole fat milk? It's heartbreaking to see. After lunch he will probably go to the bathroom and vomit, I'm sure.

I follow him after lunch but he doesn't enter the bathroom, he just goes to his next class. Hmm. He might be waiting until he goes home to throw up privately. If only people knew that his tight stomach and perky nipples were the result of such dangerous and self destructive habits.

 _Day 2_

I brought a candy bar with me to school. A Three Musketeers bar, which I know is one of Kyle's favorites. Before class starts, I offer it to Kyle. He looks at me suspiciously.

"Here, take it Jew!" I yell. "Go ahead, eat it!"

"What'd you do to it?" he asks.

"Nothing! I'm just being a nice friend, OK? I had an extra one and thought you would like it," I reply defensively.

"Oho, I'm not falling for this again. I bet you wiped your ass on it or something," he sneers, and walks away.

God dammit. Well, his mistrust is obviously just an excuse to avoid putting any extra calories into his dangerously slim stomach. He clearly needs professional help.

 _Day 3_

This is it. I now have undeniable evidence that Kyle is bulimic. I saw a _toothbrush_ in his locker. Who would bring a toothbrush to school? He must be using it to make himself throw up in the toilets when nobody is watching. I decided as a caring friend to confront him about it. I walk up to him while he's at his locker.

"Oh hey Kyle, so what are you planning to use that toothbrush for?" I ask. I gotta approach this carefully, since he probably doesn't want anyone to know about his secret.

"I brush my teeth with it sometimes. What else would I use it for?" He rolls his eyes.

Yeah, I knew he wouldn't admit the truth so easily. "Do you ever, like, maybe accidentally, stick it too far in the back of your throat while brushing your teeth? And then like, accidentally gag and barf? Into a toilet? By any chance?" I try to hint at the truth.

But he just stares at me oddly. "No, I never do that."

"You sure, Kyle? You know you can tell me the truth, I won't tell anyone else," I whisper, trying my best to sound sympathetic. Although, it's difficult to play nice towards a skinny bitch asshole who thinks he's the shit, and acts like he's so hot and stuff, with his stupid perfect Abercrombie body and his underwear magazine covers. Ugh, it almost makes _me_ want to throw up.

He eyes me suspiciously. "I'm _sure_. What are you trying to get at?"

Well, I knew that coaxing the truth out of him wouldn't be easy. "Oh nothing. Nothing at all. Welp, gotta get go class, seeya Kyle!" I say before waving and walking away. He gives me a weird look. I think he knows that I'm onto him and his little secret.


	2. Chapter 2

_Day 4_

Since I can't get a direct first hand witness to Kyle's disturbingly disordered habits, I've decided to turn to investigative journalism, by interviewing and questioning his closest friends. Maybe they'll be able to tell me something about his harrowing mental disorder.

At lunch, while Kyle is in line getting his bird food meal for the day handed to him on a tray, I bring up the subject to Kenny.

"So, Kenny..have you noticed anything about Kyle's eating habits?" I ask, biting into a piece of fried chicken.

"Mph mmph mmmph?" _(Translation: What do you mean?)_ he replies, chewing on his cheese and ham sandwich.

"Haven't you noticed that he doesn't eat much, and always avoids eating extra?" I ask, hoping to probe his mind for answers.

Kenny stops chewing his shitty sandwich and looks curious for a moment. "Mph, mph mph mmmmph mmmph, moo mpph moo moo." _(_ _ _Translation:_ He usually gives his extra food to me.)_

Oh my god. How horrible. Kenny is enabling Kyle's anorexia. "Kenny, I'm very disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that," I say solemnly.

He takes his hood down, looking irritated at me. "Dude, what?"

"You're enabling his sick habits! Taking his food justifies his anorexic behavior. Shame on you, Kinny!" I complain.

Kenny rolls his eyes. "Since when did you care about Kyle? He's not anorexic, he just feels bad for me sometimes not having a lunch or breakfast. Kyle is a good friend."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Not only is Kenny defending Kyle's depraved illness, but it sounds like Kenny may be an anorexic as well. Oh my god.

I take a look at Kenny with his hood down. It's hard to see how skinny he is with his big parka, but his neck looks very boney. Plus, when we went to the water park last year, I recalled him looking even skinnier than Kyle.

Before I can question things further, Kyle sits down with Stan. He smiles at Kenny and hands him a bag of chips. Kenny thanks him and stuffs the bag of chips into his backpack. What's he gonna do, munch on them later before gagging himself? From now on, I have to keep an eye on both of these two.

 _Day 5_

This is insane! It seems anorexia is more common than I thought, because now I am convinced that Stan might be one too.

Today's Friday, and I suggested we go out to eat at Shakey's for pizza. Our parents gave us permission, and Stan's dad decided to drop us off. So after we sat down, the three of them initially decided to order one pizza. _One. Extra large. Pizza_.

They looked at me for confirmation. "Are you seriously, guys? We need at least two or three pizzas for the four of us," I argued, pointing around at each of us. Hell, I really think we should each have one of our own large pizza.

Kyle of course jumps in to argue back. "No we don't, fatass, only _you_ would eat that much!" he insists.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Kyle gets very offended and resorts to fat shaming whenever I make the mere suggestion of eating like normal humans, rather than nibbling like deprived rabbits.

"Oh yeah, Kyle? Well I don't take insults from anorexics! So you can take that whole pizza and..and...eat it! Oh, are you worried that your underwear magazine photo shoots will turn you away if you have an ounce of belly fat?" I scream. "And you too Kenny and Stan, what are you guys trying to stay thin for, your red carpet premieres? Ridiculous! You all need professional help!"

They just stare blankly at me.

"That's fine, don't say anything, you anorexic assholes! Yeah, screw you guys, I'm going home!" I shout before stomping out of the restaurant. Oh, wait. I need a ride home. I hesitantly stomp back inside the restaurant. Ugh.

 _Day 6_

Kyle, Stan and Kenny are not talking to me today. I decided to barge in at Kyle's house anyway, where they were playing video games.

They give me an annoyed look as I enter, but I need to get to the bottom of this.

"What do you want now, Cartman?" Stan sighs.

"Nothing, you guys. Just came to say sorry for freaking out the other night. But I really do think you guys need to consider getting help for your eating disorders," I explain.

"Here we go again." Kyle rolls his eyes. It's clear that Kyle is heavily in denial about this serious problem.

"Kyle, this is no laughing matter. You could become dangerously underweight, and your organs could shut down, or you could choke on your own vomit, or -" I explain before he cuts me off.

"Would you cut it out already? I don't have a fucking eating disorder! Neither do Stan or Kenny! Maybe it's _you_ who has the eating disorder, huh? An overeating disorder!" he taunts. Kenny and Stan both chuckle. Those god damn bastards.

I pick up a bag of sugar free candy on the table. "Oh yeah, well what's this? Sugar free candy? Who else would eat sugar free candy? Not only does it taste like crap, but it makes you crap your pants!" I accuse. "Seriously, every time I come over here and eat your candy I get the shits. Only a person with a seriously deprived diet would eat this!"

"Kyle has diabetes, dumbass," Stan says, as if that were an important fact.

"Does he _really_?" I question suspiciously. "Or is that just an excuse he made up to avoid fattening sweet treats?"

"No, you moron, I really have diabetes!" Kyle yells, chucking a pillow at my face.

"Jeez, a little defensive are we Kyle? Last time I checked, diabetes doesn't cause you to restrict your food intake to just one chicken sandwich, two pieces of pizza, or one breakfast serving. It also doesn't cause you to barf into toilets after eating," I explain.

"I don't fuckin barf into toilets!" he argues.

"Then can you explain why you always go into the school bathroom at lunch, often taking longer than other students?" I accuse.

"Maybe I have to take a piss, ever think of that? And sometimes I have to take an insulin shot as well!" he claims.

"Sure, sure, whatever you say Kyle.." I say sarcastically.

"Cartman, just face the facts. Nobody has an eating disorder, you're just fat. Kyle is a normal weight like me," Stan says, jumping in to defend his butt buddy. I see Kyle smile briefly at Stan. Yuck, they seriously need to get a room.

"Of course Stan, defend your boyfriend! You're a skinny anorexic bitch as well! You all are! But you know what? Chicks prefer beefy ripped guys like me, not faggy little twigs like you guys!" I yell before stomping out. "And don't say I didn't warn you guys, when you crash from gnawing hunger on the sets of your Versace photoshoots!"


	3. Chapter 3

It's been awhile since I updated this journal. Skewl is now out for summer. In the past few months, I've silently watched my friends continue to spiral down their destructive paths. I rarely bring it up, because they get super pissed whenever I mention their eating disorders. They prefer to pretend that their lifestyle is normal.

Right now, it's about 10 AM, and I'm currently on the toilet taking a massive crap. Had Taco Bell last night, and my bathrooom smells like a dead animal, combined with a hint of cheesy gordita crunch. But I'm not here to write about my bathroom life. Today is the 4th of July, and we're all gonna be at a barbecue later in the afternoon. Some of the other kids from skewl might be there as well.

It will be a perfect opportunity for me to document what they eat, especially since there will be a buffet supposedly.

 _\- Hours later -_

So I'm at the barbecue. It's at the community center, which has a pool, and I've come to a shocking discovery. Everyone is wearing swimsuits, revealing their emaciated bodies. I cannot believe how skinny everyone is. It feels like I'm visiting a modern day concentration camp.

That's when it hits me. It's not just my 3 friends, but apparently most kids I know must be afflicted with anorexia. It's more of an epidemic than I realized! Clyde is the only one in his swimsuit who doesn't look like an anemic pile of bones, he's got healthy curves like me.

I try not to get depressed about this epidemic, I'm just here to have fun. I get ready to jump into the pool from the diving board, when Kyle suddenly screams and yells "INCOMING TIDAL WAVE! Evacuate the area!"

I glare at him. Kyle, as usual, doesn't miss any opportunities for body shaming me. Typical anorexic. I give him the middle finger.

As I was ready to do a cannon ball into the pool, he continued to scream and warn everyone that there would be a tidal wave. I told him that he'd more likely suck all the water up with that fucking dirty mop on his head. And then we got into a fight, but I felt bad beating up a starving child, so of course I let him win the fight.

A lot of people think Kyle is stronger than me, because he's beat me up so many times, but the truth is that I was just letting him win. If I really fought back, I would probably kill him by snapping his twiggy body in half. Same thing when Wendy beat me up, and everyone else. I'm actually totally ripped and stuff.

There was food on the tables for everyone, but it looked more like a "buffet" fit for gerbils. Fruit, corn, low fat chips and plain hot dogs/hamburgers, with no nourishing toppings like bacon, cheese whiz or butter. The "dessert" was just plain watermelon, or fucking jello with cool whip. Seriously, jello? I mean, that's like eating flavored water. Whoever was in charge of the food must have been anorexic as well.

I had to eat my own snacks when I got home because I was still super hungry after the gerbil banquet. My mom made cupcakes and cookies for me. Helped me replenish the calories lost from a day of swimming and fighting with the stick boy.

I take a selfie of myself licking one of the cupcakes and send it to Kyle's phone.

He replies with multiple vomiting emojis. If this isn't clear evidence that he is bulimic, then I don't know what is. I mean, how much more obvious can it get? He's a spiteful, jealous, anorexic asshole. And really, I wouldn't be surprised if he's behind some conspiracy that's causing everyone else to become anorexic..


	4. Chapter 4

Times have been dark lately. All over the world, people are going insane and driving vehicles into crowds, hurricanes are destroying cities, and worst of all, our former teacher is now the president of the USA, and he looks like an orange oompa loompa.

Has the world gone mad? Kids my age are so addicted to the shallow things in life, like video games, social media, fidget spinners and being judged by how hot they look in their instagram pics. They're blinded to reality.

I sometimes feel like the only one who's awake. I unplugged from all the insanity awhile ago. Deleted my instagram and twitter account. Don't even have a smartphone anymore. That's probably why I'm the only kid left in my town who hasn't yet been brainwashed..by _the Jews_. Especially one in particular.

Yes, that's right. All the chaos going on around the world..it all boils down to one person. _Kyle._

That sneaky bastard is somehow everywhere, all the time, all at once, pulling the strings behind everything. It breaks my heart that people don't wake up and realize that Kyle is an evil threat to humanity.

Unsurprisingly, Wendy has been an accomplice in the Jewish Kyle conspiracy to promote anorexia. She started a campaign at school to reduce childhood diabetes and obesity, and it focuses on encouraging kids to eat vegetables.

And guess what? Kyle and Stan also joined the campaign. I saw them hanging up "Eat your Vegetables" posters in the school cafeteria the other day. Another poster they hung up mentioned recommended healthy BMI and waist circumferences. This is anorexic slang for ensuring that you have no healthy curves, because they think we shouldn't have any meat on our bones.

I complained to Mr. Mackey, but he saw no problem with the campaign. He thinks it's good to "promote healthy habits in children". He was even planning to have a school play with kids dressed as vegetables. Mackey looks like a starving stick with a balloon for a head, so he's obviously brainwashed too, and all the smugness has gone to his head.

This anorexic propaganda seems to be connected with the hippie douchebag agenda. Not only do they want us to have less survival fat storage, but Stan says that people should eat less meat because the meat industry "supports cruelty to animals, obesity and pollution". He thinks he's some kind of genius and moral ambassador. What he doesn't realize is that beans, broccoli and spinach can make your farts smell like a toxic rotten egg from hell, which also contributes to pollution. Probably way more than a cow farting.

Fucking hippie bastard. I fucking hate hippies! And who is responsible for hippies? _The Jews_. Especially _Kyle_.

Seriously, Kyle can take his broccoli and carrots and shove them up his boney ass. He just wants to ensure that everyone is too weak to fight against his people's worldwide domination scheme. What better way than to encourage people to be weak and scrawny lemmings? But he's not going to hold me down. I'm going to continue being a healthy sized man with curves. When shit hits the fan, and the Jews start taking people away and putting us into communist prison camps with angry rapist Muslims who want to tickle our balls while they butt rape us, I'll have enough pounds left to survive through it all.

I went home that day, locked myself in my room with a package of candy corn Oreos and listened to Alex Jones. Obviously there is nothing I can do to fix people, they're too far gone. They are all sleepy sheeple who won't wake up.

And Kyle can suck my zucchini.

I'm ending this journal here, but the battle is far from over.


End file.
